Cool pic #3

Cool pic #2

Will Pete Mardling be copying this to attract business?

1st Community Service Meeting

Gentlemen

I invite you to the first community service meeting of the table year on Tuesday 22nd May at Samuel Barlows pub at the Alvecote Marina. Meet 7.15pm for 7.30pm start.
We have a few issue to discuss.
The pub serves bar food till 9.00pm or a curry afterwards.

See you there
Paul Ash

Laserquest round up

Monday 14th May saw our first event of the new tabling year which was the Laserquest organised by Chris.

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A total of 16 Tablers, honoraries and guests arrived to duly run riot around the arena. The usual safety briefing was shortened to put the pack on, hold the gun up to energise and don't hurt each other. With that we were off running round (not allowed), lying down (not allowed), swearing (not allowed), physical contact (only wrestling guns out of the way but still not allowed) and jumping over obstacles (not allowed). The end result for the evening was a satisfying draw.

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With that it was off to the Titash curry house for an excellent curry.

HOAX EMAIL still doing the rounds

Found this in the table (Tamworth) email inbox it's an old HOAX that still manages to catch people out.

IT IS A HOAX just in case you're tempted.

ATTENTION REQUIRED:
DEAR FRIEND.
I MR: JABA BAKO. The director in charge of auditing and accounting section in Bank of Africa Ouagadougou-Burkina Faso in west Africa with due respect and regards I have decided to contact you on this business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction. Please here is my direct contact call me on +226-78-84-21-34. Or email me at jaba_bako00@voila.fr

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During my investigation and auditing in the bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased customer, a foreigner who died on 2002 in plane crash, the fund has been dormant in his account with the bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before my discovery to this development. Actually, the late customer MR. FREDERIC AARON was a big merchant who trades on Gold, Diamond, Elephant tusks and crude oil from Africa to Asia and Europe and this money he deposited in our bank to pay for his purchases.

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Although personally, I kept this information secret within myself to enable the whole plans and idea be profitable and during the time of execution ( Two is secret). The amount involved is(USD$40m). FORTY MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS. Meanwhile all the whole arrangement and directives needed to put claim over this fund as the beneficiary next of kin to the deceased, will be forward to you upon your acceptance. Information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist me and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity.

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In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant,we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow from a foreign nation who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of Oath to the bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be retransfered into on his request as it may be, after due verification and clarification to designated bank account.

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I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer such as telephone bills etc, while 60% will be for me. Please,you have been advised to keep top secret as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I have concluded this deal with you.

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I will be monitoring the whole situation here in the bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any other country you may advise me to invest in. All other necessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your wish in this deal and asking any questions that are not cleared by you for a good follow-up. Call +226-78-84-21-34.

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Thanks with best regards,
MR: JABA BAKO.

Lazerquest directions - C Sheldon

Gentlemen

Final details for Monday as follows

We have 14 confirmed attending including a few guests, still a few not confirmed yes/no so we may get some more - 20 would be good!!!

Meet DMP 6pm, depart 6.10pm
Arrive 6.45pm
Book in etc. 7pm latest
First game 7.20pm
Second game 7.40pm

Depart asap , booked in at the Titash Indian for 8.30pm. Put your loo paper in the fridge / freezer gents!

Directions - A45 heading into Birmingham from the airport / M42 / Stonebridge island , at the big junction at Yardley turn LEFT for Acocks Green, the A4040 . At the junction with the A41 Warwick Road turn left and the almost immediately right to continue on the A4040. The next junction is an island - take the first exit, this is Westley Road and Quasar is along there. The postcode for those with SatNav is B27 7UH and their telephone if you get lost is 0121 764 4764 .

The Titash is back on the A45, we drove past it on the way in !! After rejoining the A45 at Yardley , its about a mile further on , on the left - we park outside. Only postcode I can find is simply 'B26'.

See You Monday

YIT

Chris

Life of a (typical) Tabler?

Life's not a journey to the grave intent on arriving in a well preserved & perfect body, rather we should skid in sideways, beer in one hand & crisps in the other, body used up & screaming "Wey hey what a ride!"

Chairman's message # 1 Mon 7th May 07

Gents

Just a quick reminder about forthcoming events.

Firstly, I hear that there will be quite a turnout tomorrow night at 41 Club. I look forward to seeing you there if you're going.

Secondly, Lazerquest next Monday. Chris has told me that only 8 have booked in, but we need about 20 to be there if we are to pay the same as last year. Please bring along friends, relatives, work colleagues, etc. so that they can see Tabling at it's best (fun, fellowship, and a damn fine curry afterwards!!).

Finally, may I thank you all for contacting the Chairmen within Area about our 55th Charter Evening on June 12th. May I now ask that you chase up your contacts over the next week so that we can get a good idea of numbers. I could do with the numbers by our next Business Meeting (May 29th) at the latest, please.

Thanks, again for your continued help and support,

YIT

Rob

Cool Pic # 1

Busy?

Stressed out?

Put things into perspective by looking at the picture. Your problems are suddenly not as big.

Funny Signs # 1

Joke # 6

2007 New Employee Rules & Regulations
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Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

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Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

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Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deadfriends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

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Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

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Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Joke # 5

EU PRESS RELEASE - NEW TERROR THREAT LEVELS

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats that have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time"A Bloody Nuisance" warning level occurred was during the great fire of 1666.

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Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

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It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain:"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

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The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". Two higher levels remain:"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

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Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

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The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Things that make you go hmmm.....

• Can you cry under water?
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
• Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
• What disease did cured ham actually have?
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
• Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
• Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Joke # 4

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

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The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Dudley (a deprived area in the West Midland of England).

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The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Dudley area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds using millions of euros worth of high tech, state-of-the-art equipment.

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Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has an advantage over every team.

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However, Ferrari may have got more than it bargained for... At their first practice session, the Dudley pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed and re-badged the vehicle and sold it to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

Joke # 3

Age Prevails.
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
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One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard headingrapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
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The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
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Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
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Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
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The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
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Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back a nd thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
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"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
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Moral of this story....
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Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Joke # 2

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc.
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But Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
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The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
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"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

Joke # 1

Three women die together in an accidentand go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

It does exist

LAZER QUEST

This is now booked for 14 May.

We have the whole arena to ourselves, and in order to make this viable we need 20 people to attend..... this will bring the price down to less than we paid last year.

So guests, relatives, hangers on and anyone else you can drag along will all be welcome! If we can get 20 to attend the cost then works out at £7.50 each.

We are booked for 2 games, and the timing is as follows:

Meet DMP 6pm, depart 6.10pm
Arrive 6.45pm
Book in etc. 7pm latest
First game 7.20pm
Second game 7.40pm

Finish 8pm and depart for nearest curry house / pub etc.

Star Wars costumes optional. Table tops mandatory.

Area 35 AGM

The Area 35 AGM was held on Monday 30th April at Grounds Farm Wishaw.

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Approximately 65 people attended what was an excellent evening of good food, great beer and excellent company.

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Rob Wilkie, Pete Wilkie and William Bryan attended for Tamworth and not one of them were tempted to stand for the three vacant posts on the Area exec.

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Rob Wilkie was out of the starters blocks faster than a hurdler with the trots to get Tamworth & District onto the minutes first, almost taking John Hoyland's eye out in the process!

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Your new Area exec is as follows:

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Chair - Peter Norman, Coleshill

V.C. - John Hoyland, Redditch

Secretary - Geoff Stokes, Coleshill

Treasurer - Kev Johns, Knowle & Dorridge?

President - Mel Williams, Coleshill

Sports - Dave Bush, Redditch

Membership - Nigel Mulholland, Solihull

Media & PR - Mike Everard, Bromsgrove?

IRO - John Curtis, City of Birmingham

Fellowship - Vacant

CSLO - Mark Stait, Moseley

IPC - Kev Johns, Knowle & Dorridge?

Sales - Vacant

National Councillor - Howard Smith, Coleshill

Assistant Secretary - Vacant

Webmaster - Jonathan Till, Bromsgrove

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Unfortunately when it came to handing out trophies there were few and far to be seen. Most were languishing in peoples garages. Shame.

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Apologies if the exec list isn't quite right but I'd had a few pints of church end by then